You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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