I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
