nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
