I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
