took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
