then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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