she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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