the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
