I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
