haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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