I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
