PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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