I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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