We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
