is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
