I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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