if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
