Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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