mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
