my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
