please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
