I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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