You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
