I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he was CRYING into my vagina
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
