i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
