Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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