so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize