She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
