got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
