It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
