I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
