Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Randomize
