Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
