Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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