Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
