I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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