All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
