i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
