the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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