how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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