I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
