Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
