Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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