i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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