She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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