dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So much Jack, so little girl.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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