I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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