life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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