Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
