Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
