I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
