Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
