I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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