filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
