I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
