the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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