i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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